Interestingly enough, the later sex happens, the more likely it is the affairs will be deeply emotional. The higher the difference in intimacy between the new partner and the official partner, the more dangerous the affair is to the official relationship. How Emotional Affairs Start

How Do Affairs Happen? - The Gottman Institute

The process of healing from an affair takes time. Like all grief, it comes in waves. One day, it will seem like it happened a long time ago. The next? Either Jennifer or Sam can get triggered, and emotions will feel once again very raw. When they start feeling again the feeling won’t be positive, but it’s a step forward nonetheless. #2. Relief Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X Not all, but probably a majority of unfaithful partners set out on the emotional slippery slope without any awareness of how friendships morph into emotional and sexual affairs.If you are interested in at least exploring the possibility of recovering together, I highly recommend this post: The unfaithful partner focuses on the faults of the relationship and the shortcoming of his partner. Jennifer can begin to feel hopeless if not given this information, or that her efforts are not being recognized. Both need to deeply understand and believe that the other is on board for a new commitment, that they both have chosen to remain, and are working on a new relationship dynamic that outshines their previous connection. The Verdict With Judge Hatchett: Sofa Swap & Not So Guardian Angel (Justice Central Friday November 3, 2023) The cheating partner is sometimes ashamed of his behavior and fearful that it might cost him both relationships (and a costly divorce). Gender Differences in Affairs

Practical, Science-Based Steps to Heal from an Affair

Many years ago, in the Clinton era, I was asked to do an interview on whether Hillary and Bill would make it through Bill’s affair. Responding psychologically rather than politically, my answer was to say, “If couples didn’t make it through affairs, the divorce rate would be even higher than it is now.” He tells himself his partner “deserves it”, or he convinces himself that his relationship is dead. It often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as he withdraws more and more from his relationship. The Stages of Revelations Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have developed the Trust Revival Method, with three defined stages of treatment: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. The effectiveness of this model is being studied in a randomized clinical trial. Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met. That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. And that context is Jennifer and Sam’s marriage. Geraldine James takes centre stage as Shirley and there is another foray into straight acting for Dave King as the mean Drake.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA. People in Sam’s role can sometimes get lost in the details, wanting to know everything about the affair. For example, asking if Jennifer loved Anthony, or why she was attracted to him, may be important details for Sam to know. But Drs. John and Julie Gottman would suggest that he, and others like him, need to be careful, again recalling Dr. Glass’ admonitions concerning PTSD. He runs the risk of becoming re-traumatized by the revelation of intimate details, such as where the affair happened and what the sex was like. He can become obsessive, requesting too much information. Yet if not enough is asked and absorbed, it can lead to later regret. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment. Unfortunately Haskins doesn’t want to know, he tells George that he can’t see the wood for the trees and tells him to take seven days leave. The body of Eddie Glass then turns up. Drake, who was the organiser of the bullion raid, wants Shirley out the way. He arranges for one of hip men to reveal where Eddie is buried. It’s a set up though, Drake and his men are waiting there for Shirley and George. As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ( defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others). Resentment and loneliness in relationship

The Sweeney: Pay Off (ITV 29 Nov 1976, with Geraldine James)

At first, it’s adversarial. Then it moves towards information seeking by the cheated partner. And finally, it reaches the stage of looking for deeper meaning and possibly then fixing the relationship. Indeed, 82% of all the unfaithful partner Glass treated in her career began as friends ( Shirley Glass, 2004).

Contributed by Shirley Glass

It might be counterintuitive, but an emotional affair that is consumed later on will bond the affair partners much more strongly. It starts with suspicion, and the first confrontations arrive when there’s a little bit of evidence. Sometimes the initial emotions solidify and strengthen in the weeks and months that go by. But some other times they shift. And they focus on everybody else who is cheating while disregarding the faithful ones (also see myths and facts of cheating).