The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humor.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of Life in Five Senses

Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about: You are worthy of creating that safe space for yourself and reclaiming your rightful power, which you’ve been ceding to others for far too long. All that stands between you and feelings of ease, confidence, capacity, and freedom are a few carefully selected words, spoken with kindness from a place of self-care. The Book of Boundaries, pg 22 Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships.

Endorsements

Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)" Featuring: Drug Addiction, Healthy Foods, Family Drama, Clear is Kind, Unearned Guilt, Horrible Bosses, Boundary Scripts, 🚦, Boundary Alerts, Emotional Vampires, Venting Vs Emotional Dumping, Friendship Breakups, Boundaries in Marriage and Romantic Relationships, Boundaries in the Bedroom, the Boundaries of Others, Boundaries in Action

If you've struggled to identify and establish healthy boundaries - with family, in romance, at work, or in life - Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humour' Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs. Nancy liked her neighbor and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbor kept crashing her morning walks, Nancy was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Nancy to care for her neighbor without putting her own needs on hold to do so. You’re not being mean when you set boundaries, you’re being kind—to yourself and your relationships. But that doesn’t mean they’re not uncomfortable. Any conflict can be uncomfortable—if your burger comes out rare instead of medium-well, I’m betting at least some of you would just eat it rather than speak up. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable because when we set a boundary, we’re expressing a limit that hasn’t yet been established (while perhaps pointing out someone else’s inconsiderate behavior), and asking if the other person is willing to make an adjustment for the good of the relationship. A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early.

2 Comments

DNF’d: the book has a promising premise and does contain useful insights about what boundaries are which were helpful to think through. For example, a passage talks about how boundaries are not about controlling the other person’s behavior but about your response to that behavior when the two of you are together (you can’t get your uncle to stop smoking in general but you can say that if he insists on smoking in your house, he can’t come over anymore). The model scripts and phases of boundaries (green, yellow, red) were also interesting, but these scripts themselves felt targeted toward a predominantly white American audience and isn’t self aware about it. The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything.